I always have an issue with father’s day. Not that I am adverse to people celebrating their dads, in fact, quite the opposite. Dads should be celebrated. Well, let me clarify…GOOD dads should be celebrated. It’s easy to become a dad. Any guy with a functioning reproductive system can do it. However, it is not easy to be a good dad.
I did not have a good father. Not even ok, or even sub-par. I would have been lucky with ‘jerk’. No such luck. Roy Ferris was an outright horrible human being. Period. He was a sociopath to the extreme. He was dangerous and violent and manipulation was his M.O. If that sounds angry it’s only because it’s in writing and you don’t have the sense of my tone. I don’t have any serious feelings about him anymore. I did for years (he died over a decade ago). Gawd, I was angry. At him, at my mum, at his family, whoever I could blame. Why was he such a horrible guy? Did me and my brother do something? Did we deserve this? And Mum, jesus, how did you choose this creep?
I spent many years toiling over these questions. And dated cruddy guys as a result. Then finally, I got over it and saw it for what it was. It happened over years of talking and reflecting that I realized the truth of it all. I am a firm believer that people try to do the best they can most of the time. They do their best with the tools THEY were given. My dad’s childhood was terrible itself. He was a very sick man. He loved my brother and I the best he could. Did he fall short? HELLS YA! Miserably. Utter failure. Should never have had kids. F’d my brother and I up something fierce. But he couldn’t do any different. He didn’t know a better way. He didn’t see how horrible he was because the glasses he wore in life were not those of a well and stable human being.
So, what do you do with that, right? No one to blame? WHAT?? No! Scary at first because you want to hang onto your anger and pain like a security blanket. I could hang onto the damage but who would have benefited? Certainly not me.
I think Father’s Day bugs me because deep down that little kid in me feels ripped off. All these wonderful things people say about their dads. Posting pictures. Great memories… I don’t have those. But you can turn any negative into a positive, it just takes the right angle. Everything is a learning experience. EVERYTHING. I wouldn’t be who I am without Roy Ferris having been the sperm donation for my presence on this planet. I know who I am. I have wonderful qualities and success in part because of him, so I choose to celebrate those now instead of pointing the bitter finger of blame.
Here’s why I mention this. I think some people feel weird on mother’s day and father’s day. Like they have to have great relationships with their parents and if they don’t they are bad people. Not everyone gets along with their families, and just because Hallmark has created this day for them in order to make money, doesn’t mean we have to put those feelings aside and make them perfect.
I have no problem telling people that my dad was a heel. Just because he is related to me by blood doesn’t make him a great guy. And he wasn’t. And I’m ok with that.
Is/was your dad a wonderful guy? Great! Rejoice. I’m glad for you. But if he wasn’t (and this goes for mums, too), it’s ok. You are not alone. Not by a long shot. Surround yourself with people who love you and treat you well. If your family are not in that category, you don’t owe them anything.