Single on Valentine’s day? Me too and loving it!

There are a few things that really irk me: bad driving, Paris Hilton, mean people, and Valentine’s Day.

Not that I have any issue with people having fun with it and getting romantic, that’s fine, but the impact that one little day has on the otherwise-intelligent-public is ridiculously annoying.

Valentine’s day is based on an old historical event that has been kidnapped by Hallmark Cards in an attempt to cash in on our emotions. That’s fine. Smart! Brilliant marketing! Whoever came up with that bad boy deserves a raise. The boys from Mad Men would go bananas. Can’t blame Hallmark. They’re in it to make money and they have. Good for them. However, it’s the meaning that we have attached to this commercially-driven day that gets stuck in my craw. Who’d have thought that one little 24-hour window, a day like any other, could do so much damage to the lives and self-worth of so many decent and hard working people? Baffling.
I suspect it goes back to caveman days when it made sense for women cavemen to have a dedicated neandethal to watch over their safety so they didn’t get eaten by wild beasts, but somehow it has become ‘normal’ to be in a relationship and ‘abnormal’ to not be in one. I often get the question from friends, “are you seeing anyone?”, and if/when I say no, they give me a saddened, slightly condescending look that says ‘oh, I’m sorry’ like I’ve got 3 months to live. What are you sorry about? That I am enjoying my own company? That I can fart under the covers without having to worry that it isn’t lady-like? That I can do what I want when I want? Sheesh. Gimme a break.

Somewhere in the past, history turned on us. It came up with the idea that a single woman was a bad thing and that it equated to being lonely and defective. I couldn’t disagree more. Woman have been lulled into this idea that they aren’t complete or valid unless they are in a relationship. What a load of shit.

I am single. I love it. Good stuff. I do what I want when I want. I’m not lonely. Social media? Jeez, I need to GET AWAY sometimes form all the social in my life. If I’m feeling a little solitary I go hang out with friends, volunteer (proven fact: you cannot feel lonely doing service to others…that includes animals), get on the phone, go where ppl are….options are endless. I also have a fantastic vibrator so that angle is covered. Don’t blush gals, it’s natural, get yerself a battery-operated-boyfriend. A good one. Spend money on it. Worth every penny.

And this whole you’re-not-complete-unless-you-are-in-a relationship-shit is false and destructive. We are whole people just as we are. I personally believe we need to be ok with ourselves first anyway before we get involved with someone else. I gotta be ok with me. And I am. My validity doesn’t come from who I hold hands with, it comes from who I am without anyone else. I do a trip to Mexico every year by myself and I adore it. I meet ppl, travel around a bit, have lovely dinners…etc. Now, that is not for everyone, but to think that you are not complete without a partner or that you have to do everything with someone to make it meaningful is nonsense. Ask where you got that point of view. Is it real?

I’m at my fave little restaurant around the corner from my house having a glass of wine and a nice meal, and learning my lines for an audition. Lovely. Today I am single and I love it and I’m sure that when the situation is right I will get into a relationship at some point. That will be fun, too. But I’m not counting the days. I enjoy my single life. I won’t buy into the societal hype. It’s my life. There is no rulebook written. Life is an unknown path and I going to roll with it.

How about you?



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23 Responses to Single on Valentine’s day? Me too and loving it!

  1. Megan says:

    From one single girl to another: you are a wise, wise woman. ❤

  2. Lance says:

    Well-said! We have to be happy in our own skin to be truly happy when in a relationship. And we should give ourselves treats as often as we can. 🙂

  3. elena says:

    I really love your blogs! I couldn’t agree more! You have to be ok w/ yourself before being w/ anyone. So true! Good luck with your audition!!

  4. Hi, Sam! I’m single and largely solitary, but far from lonely. Haven’t had a boyfriend since 1992; haven’t been hunting for one, either. Would it be nice to have a consistent partner to share fun things with? Sure — but I have plenty of fun on my own, and I don’t need to yield what I want to do to anyone else. I’m happy for couples who are happy with each other on Valentine’s Day, but I’m also happy for myself, living my life as I choose. And I’m happy for you, living the life you want. Cheers!

  5. Collette Alyson says:

    I’ve still been struggling with dining alone. I can do movies alone no problem, but you’re right, it is crazy that I feel this way. SO yeah, your trips to Mexico, you dining alone, your enthusiasm for reveling in one’s singleness is refreshing and uplifting as well as inspiring. After having read your blogs, I am more inspired to be a stronger person all around. Traveling alone to Dallas and Chicago this year, Glasgow next year, thanks for helping me grow – your blogs do mean a great deal to probably more people than you know, so don’t ever change and keep on keping on.

  6. Kerry says:

    You’ve put my thoughts into words! I’ve always been single (only 24) and even through high school everyone always gave me that same look when I went anywhere without someone attached to my hip. Even my parents ask the question “What’s wrong with you?”.

    I enjoy my single life. It’s fun and exciting and I don’t have to tell anyone when I randomly want to fly off to Vegas with the girls. Most people think that if you’re not in some sort of relationship before your 30 you’re going to be forever alone. I’ve never felt the need to have another person constantly. It would be nice (so I’m told) but I’m not actively seeking, crying over, or posting emo poetry because I don’t have someone.

    I think I’ll be single for quite a few Valentines, and I’ve never been happier. I have awesome friends and really that’s all I need.


  7. Zeb A. says:

    Thankyou! Now I just need to get my parents to read this so they can stop trying to arrange my wedding for me *sigh* 🙂

  8. LPR says:

    Being in a relationship can be overrated. I am happily married to a gorgeous man who is devoted and looks at me like I’m Angelina Jolie. So how was my Valentine’s Day? I asked him if he would take me to the doctor’s to have a painful albeit minor procedure on my toe. He said he had to get a haircut. So I went alone (I’m a fainter and it probably wasn’t a good idea). I now have a throbbing toe while having to work (from home) and he’s sitting behind me screaming and swearing at the computer while gaming. So there you have it. Do not feel bad all you single people. It could be worse…you could be married. I’ve been both single and married and they are pretty much equal in the awesome/sucks ratio.

  9. Julie says:

    I’m married and, trust me, it’s no guarantee of happiness. I haven’t had the courage to leave because I’m not happy with myself. It’s the big thing I need to work on. Thanks for this post Sam, it’s come at the perfect time.

  10. Carolyn White says:

    I’m lucky to be around so many people who don’t depend on others, even their spouses, to enjoy their own freedom and company. That doesn’t mean they don’t do things with their companion/spouse, but they do things without him/her also and don’t have to worry about having a good time if that person isn’t there.
    I love doing things with just myself for company, as well as other people. But, since I work intently one on one with patients, I tend to like myself alone just that much more. I am amazing company for myself! 🙂

    It’s healthy not to depend on others. That just causes you stress and heartache. I see it too much, they lose their idea of who they are and can’t manage without the other person. I love having a man in my life, but I’m pretty content to not have one right now. I don’t expect anything for Valentine’s Day, so when I suddenly do periodically, it’s such a fun thing to happen that I appreciate it tenfold. Today a co-worker gave me a huge heart cookie. I intend to munch on it and savor this surprise goodie.

    Happy Valentine’s Day, my single and attached friends!

  11. Kim says:

    So true. I’ve only dated a couple guys in my life (& I’m almost 40), and for a long time, esp. in college and just after, my friends always wanted to set me up. The one time I agreed to it it was totally awkward; I am very shy, he was not as shy as me, but there we were. He is happily married now, and I am happily not. 🙂
    Now if I’m going on a trip or to a concert, I prefer to have someone along (that someone usually being my younger sister). To me they are more fun when you have someone to enjoy it in the moment with. Most other things I am perfectly fine doing on my own.
    So folks, if you are not “in a relationship” don’t worry about it. And if your friends/family think you need to be, tell them they should take care of themselves and let you take care of you.
    Thanks again Sam for being such a straight shooter.

  12. christiana says:

    Getting to meet or talk to you is now on top of my wish list. I love your blogs, you’re so independent and make some really good points!
    Makin yourself happy is very important whether you’re married or single. If I relied on my husband to make me happy all the time I would probably be miserable lol.
    I’m only 20 and the advice on accepting yourself in your blogs is very very valuable to me I’ve had low self esteem for a while and reading your words has made me feel a whole lot betterbout myself 🙂
    You’re an amazing woman and I would be so happy if I could actually talk to you.

  13. Julie Jones says:

    I think farting when I want is probably the best part of being single lol. I am completely ok with my situation and I admire you for being able to travel alone. That is the one thing I wish I could do. I really want to go to NYC for Halloween but I’m too afraid to go alone and no one can afford to go with me. Maybe I’ll just finally suck it up and do it.

  14. Jenny says:

    Thanks Sam and hell yeah!! I am single, been single most of my life. None of the guys I have gone out with made it to long term and no lost sleep over that from me. In fact, to be honest, a lot of humans annoy the hell outta me, I probably annoy the hell outta them too!! I have a very low tolerance for chit chat and all that “let’s meet up and have fun” stuff! Noisy busy hectic places with everyone eyeing each other out and gossiping. Uh… thanks. I have fun, just on my own terms and am very lucky with the friends I do spend time with and my furry boys (2 kitties who I adore and who adore me – I can tell, lots of purrs and head bumps before AND after meal times). I have traveled solo often and will continue to do so, I love it.

    I STILL get the odd comment from family “ooh you should try this online dating thing, it’s very popular” and “well at nearly 50 you are running out of time”. Oh purleeese laugh out loud indeed *hugs*

  15. Cat says:

    Can I just say I effing love you? I’ve been trying to find a way to express almost everything you said in this post for weeks now. I think it’s terrible that people are made to feel bad, broken, or otherwise flawed for not being in a relationship. I completely agree, you need to be okay with yourself first, and know what makes you and only you happy.

    So thank you for this. Thank you for saying what I’ve been unable to say, and helping me to feel like I’m not a gawdawful freak because I want to know who I am and be happy with that person before I “find someone.”

  16. ickyemy says:

    I am not loving being single lately. It’s lonely and makes me feel like there is something very wrong with me. Dating has been awkward and unsuccessful and I can’t help but think its my fault. I always say the wrong thing, or talk too much, or rip my pants or some other horrid thing. And then, if my date tries to touch me, I freeze like a deer staring into the headlights, and ruin the moment. Every time. I’ve had fun as a single, I have traveled alone and made great friends because of it. But I feel like a part of my humanity is missing. Not because Hallmark told me so, but because some nights it’s just so hard to be alone.

    • samferris says:

      Sorry to hear it. There are moments when I say, ‘gee, tonight would be a great night to have someone to cuddle on the couch and watch tv with…’. But it doesn’t hurt me. I just think that one day I’ll do that. It’s just not today.

      But there is nothing wrong with you that you are single. Do you now how many people are out there that are in shitty relationships just because they are scared to be alone? I’d say half. Pat yourself on the back that you are not willing to be one of those people. Hold out for the right one. They will come along. Be yourself. That will work for someone. That’s what I do. And be easy on yourself. Dating is hard! And awkward. But sometimes the payoff is pretty nice.

  17. Brigitte says:

    I have never agreed with someone as much as I agree with you on this.

  18. Barbara M says:

    I was married for almost ten years, having also dated same man for about 2 years prior to marriage. I lost myself in that relationship. I forgot who I was. I abandoned my dreams, my ideas, all to have a marriage and kids. On Valentine’s Day 2003, I filed for divorce. I guess it was a gift to myself. Today, I’m still struggling against the river of crap that Life is continually sending my way, but I’m not looking for a man to swoop in and save me. Maybe send a nice fat check, but other than that, I’m good. I realized in the years I was married, I became three different people, Wife, Mother, and Me. Only Me was never heard from or thought of. My two personas of Wife and Mother took over loud and clear. Now, I’m still Mother, but Me is upfront and taking over. It’s been 10 years since I filed for divorce, Me is pretty much in charge now. Thanks goodness, too. I forgot how it felt to be ME. If another relationship is in the cards, he’d better be able to handle himself, take care of himself. I’ll be there to cheer him on, pick him up if he falls, calm him down when all hell breaks loose. But I WILL NOT GIVE MYSELF UP EVER AGAIN!

  19. travelstacey says:

    There’s nothing about this I don’t agree with! It took me a long, long time to feel comfortable with who I am and now that I’m there, I’m loving life so much that it would have to take a very special person to join me in that enjoyment. I’m never lonely, I have an amazing family, blood and otherwise, I do things that I want to do on my schedule. I’m not actively looking to avoid being in a relationship, but I’m also not feeling a need to validate other’s opinions by forcing myself into something I’m not entirely happy with.

    I see so many people around me who are unhappy because society dictates they should be in a relationship so they just take what they can get. But, flip side, I also know people who are extremely happy in their marriages! Being happy with your own situation is the key and while I know it’s not an easy state to find, when you do find it, life opens up and it’s magnificent!

  20. Janna Balthaser says:

    Truth, woman. You speak it.

    Oh, and you should check out the Eroscillator. Seriously. It’s unlike any vibrator on the market, since it’s doesn’t vibrate, it oscillates. It’s expensive but… just trust me on this. Money well spent. WELL spent. And get all the attachments. Just. Seriously. I know my way around great sex, solo and with partners, and I definitely know my way around sex toys. The Eroscillator is like whoa. And it doesn’t numb you like a vibrator can do. And when you get happy, it feels like it comes from a deeper place. The kind that makes your eyes go wide with surprise as the “Holy shit!” orgasm hits. Just thought you might like to know. 🙂

  21. D says:

    A little late, but I just found your blog, though I’ve been following you on Twitter for some time now.

    I’m 27, single, and never have been in a relationship. And I’m okay with that. Honestly, I don’t think I’m wired to be in a long-term relationship, let alone marriage. I see my friends rushing into marriage and children and I’m over here like, “I wonder what a red wine risotto would be like?”

    In a similar vein, I don’t want to have children. Never have. Hoo boy, you want to talk about reactions to something, tell people you don’t want kids. I have gotten the range from condescension to outright hostility.

    The reason is the same for both cases, I like my me time and my freedom to do what I want when I want. As I see it, I only get one go-round here, so I’m going to do what makes me happy and not what people think I should do.

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