I have just eaten a shepherds pie the size of my head. Way more than I needed and now I feel a bit sick. I don’t recommend emotional eating (which is totally what that is) but sometimes you gotta cut yourself some slack. It’s not every day but you are allowed.
I went thru some emotional stuff today that was no picnic in the park. I almost let it crush me but in the end I said ‘F U’. I found the positive. Let me explain.
The details aren’t important but what is relevant here is the feeling. Ohmygawd. I had forgotten how effing uncomfortable feelings can be. I know that sounds silly a bit, but when you actually step outside yourself and look at it, it’s interesting.
Sure, good feelings are great. Even ‘medium’ and ‘neutral’ ones are ok, but when hard feelings come along? The ‘i-dont-know-what-im-going-to-do-with-myself-stuff’? Yuck. I don’t know about you, but I don’t do them that well. Does anybody? Probably not but you see people handle emotional stuff differently. Some people freak outwardly, some people go quiet and internalize. And some people get a cloud over their face for a little bit then miraculously seem to move through it. Huh?? How do they do that? I’ve looked at this and I think it comes down to how people look at emotions and how they consciously address them.
At 9am this morning I was going thru some acute pain. Some ‘holy effing shit’ pain. All the fun stuff: guilt, sadness, lonliness, loss, and then some more guilt and sadness. Funny, I can do anger no problem. No brainer. But vulnerable feel-it-in-yer-guts-pain? Horrible. At one point I almost couldn’t handle it. I understand why people have addictions. It takes them out of the game. Don’t have to deal with the pain. But that wasn’t an option this morning. Plus, I don’t think that is the answer. I barely knew what to do with myself. I found myself gripping my steering wheel with a death grip that made my knuckles white. I didn’t even know I was doing it.
I remember what someone told me a long time ago: the only way out is through. I LOVE that. Not because I like going through it but because it makes me feel like a bit of a warrior. Lol. I l know that sounds ridiculous but it’s all about expectations. If I know I gotta feel some sh*itty stuff to get out the other end, I kind of welcome it.
I am honest with myself and endure.
So after the initial jolt, I got ahold of myself. And I mostly did it out loud (if you’ve got the luxury of the inside of your car, go nuts, I highly recommend it). “Ferris, this is going to SUCK. No way around it. Pain. Ugh. The heavy stuff. So cry with complete abandon and let it all hang out. Feel this at it’s raw core”. I had an hour in the car and ugly cried for about 58 minutes of it. Drivers on the FREEWAY were giving me double takes. My knees shook and I felt sick. But I got thru that first hour. Then I got through the second. And now it’s the end of the day.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gutted and will be for a while but I’m not scared of the emotion. I learned a long time ago that mental health issues often come from suppressed emotion. Whether we deny it or don’t give ourselves permission to feel it, doesn’t matter. Both of these actions make us sick both mentally and physically. I try to be honest with myself. That is key. If I am honest about how I feel and what it’s about, I have nothing to fear. I just have to then go through the feeling. It’s hard but holding it back and burying it is way worse. That is where serious damage happens.
So I’m the shits. It’s ok. I know it will get better. It always does. That’s life. Ebb and flow. Good moments and bad. But the key is to embrace the bad moments as well as the good. They are just as important. But instead of letting them drag you down, step outside yourself and look at what they can do to help you. What can you learn from them? And feel them. They aren’t going to kill you. They are just feelings. It’s what you do with them. Let strong emotions remind you that you are alive. They are part of life. They aren’t bad things. They are part of learning.
So I’m feeling uncomfortable and I don’t like it but I welcome it. It’s part of the big picture. And I cut myself some slack. I try to be gentle on Sam. For a little while anyway. I can go back to being hard on myself when I’m feeling stronger. 🙂