heartbreak is good. Honest.

I have just eaten a shepherds pie the size of my head. Way more than I needed and now I feel a bit sick. I don’t recommend emotional eating (which is totally what that is) but sometimes you gotta cut yourself some slack. It’s not every day but you are allowed.

I went thru some emotional stuff today that was no picnic in the park. I almost let it crush me but in the end I said ‘F U’. I found the positive. Let me explain.

The details aren’t important but what is relevant here is the feeling. Ohmygawd. I had forgotten how effing uncomfortable feelings can be. I know that sounds silly a bit, but when you actually step outside yourself and look at it, it’s interesting.

Sure, good feelings are great. Even ‘medium’ and ‘neutral’ ones are ok, but when hard feelings come along? The ‘i-dont-know-what-im-going-to-do-with-myself-stuff’? Yuck. I don’t know about you, but I don’t do them that well. Does anybody? Probably not but you see people handle emotional stuff differently. Some people freak outwardly, some people go quiet and internalize. And some people get a cloud over their face for a little bit then miraculously seem to move through it. Huh?? How do they do that? I’ve looked at this and I think it comes down to how people look at emotions and how they consciously address them.

At 9am this morning I was going thru some acute pain. Some ‘holy effing shit’ pain. All the fun stuff: guilt, sadness, lonliness, loss, and then some more guilt and sadness. Funny, I can do anger no problem. No brainer. But vulnerable feel-it-in-yer-guts-pain? Horrible. At one point I almost couldn’t handle it. I understand why people have addictions. It takes them out of the game. Don’t have to deal with the pain. But that wasn’t an option this morning. Plus, I don’t think that is the answer. I barely knew what to do with myself. I found myself gripping my steering wheel with a death grip that made my knuckles white. I didn’t even know I was doing it.

I remember what someone told me a long time ago: the only way out is through. I LOVE that. Not because I like going through it but because it makes me feel like a bit of a warrior. Lol. I l know that sounds ridiculous but it’s all about expectations. If I know I gotta feel some sh*itty stuff to get out the other end, I kind of welcome it.
I am honest with myself and endure.

So after the initial jolt, I got ahold of myself. And I mostly did it out loud (if you’ve got the luxury of the inside of your car, go nuts, I highly recommend it). “Ferris, this is going to SUCK. No way around it. Pain. Ugh. The heavy stuff. So cry with complete abandon and let it all hang out. Feel this at it’s raw core”. I had an hour in the car and ugly cried for about 58 minutes of it. Drivers on the FREEWAY were giving me double takes. My knees shook and I felt sick. But I got thru that first hour. Then I got through the second. And now it’s the end of the day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gutted and will be for a while but I’m not scared of the emotion. I learned a long time ago that mental health issues often come from suppressed emotion. Whether we deny it or don’t give ourselves permission to feel it, doesn’t matter. Both of these actions make us sick both mentally and physically. I try to be honest with myself. That is key. If I am honest about how I feel and what it’s about, I have nothing to fear. I just have to then go through the feeling. It’s hard but holding it back and burying it is way worse. That is where serious damage happens.

So I’m the shits. It’s ok. I know it will get better. It always does. That’s life. Ebb and flow. Good moments and bad. But the key is to embrace the bad moments as well as the good. They are just as important. But instead of letting them drag you down, step outside yourself and look at what they can do to help you. What can you learn from them? And feel them. They aren’t going to kill you. They are just feelings. It’s what you do with them. Let strong emotions remind you that you are alive. They are part of life. They aren’t bad things. They are part of learning.

So I’m feeling uncomfortable and I don’t like it but I welcome it. It’s part of the big picture. And I cut myself some slack. I try to be gentle on Sam. For a little while anyway. I can go back to being hard on myself when I’m feeling stronger. 🙂

X0

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17 Responses to heartbreak is good. Honest.

  1. novabennett says:

    My preferred in-car coping method usually involves heavy metal and a nice dose of ugly yowling. I find it quite therapeutic.

    Hope all turns out well for you, my dear. If I were closer to your neck of the woods, I’d offer comfort food production services, but as it is, you have my best wishes.

  2. Janis says:

    Your outlook on this is brilliant. My thoughts are with you while you trudge through those funny things called emotions, and become even more of a bad ass once you’ve made it through. 🙂

  3. Stacey says:

    Sam I’m so sorry you’re going through this trauma. But what a great attitude at a shitty time. A couple of years ago I went through some heartbreak, doubts, emotional times. I internalized and blamed myself. And I ended up being both physically and spiritually sick. On the other side of that I had an epiphany that this wasn’t a new state for me and in my 35 years of life I’d handled emotion poorly. Now I live for me, verbalise how I’m feeling and freaking love my life. I hope you get through this tough time. Know there is lots of love out there in the cyberverse for you xoxo

  4. Jessica says:

    I absolutely agree with everything you said! And I totally feel for you right now. I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch myself for the last few months, and I have days where I just feel like I’m going to explode (Have had my fair share of “ugly crying” days as well).

    For the longest time, I thought that I wasn’t “allowed” to show others that I was feeling terrible, because I was always the strong one – always the one who kept all of my friends together when they were going through hell. But, I had one day a few weeks ago where I just couldn’t take it anymore and posted to the world exactly how I was feeling, and that life was kind of sucking for me right now.

    I think my cousin gave me the best advice when he said: Even though you know the valley isn’t forever, it still sucks to be there. The mountain will seem so much higher when you get there, even though for now you have to go through hell. But, live in the valley. Call the valley a valley. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not allowed to have those days, because everyone does.

    So yeah, sometimes life is a bitch. And it’s no fun. But sometimes we have to go through things to come out stronger on the other side. I’m learning it as well.

  5. gail lozinski says:

    Hi Sam,sorry your feeling kind of down and out, but its ok to feel like this..Don,t worrie your strong,things will get better. Well you seemed pretty good on Rock101 today! so just hang in there! You can do it Sam…………..

  6. Ryan says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this shit. I hope you get through it swiftly. If it makes you feel any better…all of this is just what I needed to hear right now. It scared the piss out of me, but I needed to hear it. I think I’ve got a long haul coming up, too. Good luck.

  7. elena says:

    I have done the ugly cry in the car too. I always pay for it with a terrible headache which sends me packing to bed. No advice. Just wanted you to know those ‘raw’ emotions can be brutal and your definately not alone in experiencing them. Some of what you said were like pages from my own book. I hope you feel better soon! Thank you for sharing;-)

  8. Tracy Brzycki says:

    Not sure if this helps but remember you are loved, even by people who don’t really know you. Your blogs have helped me through some tough days and I hope writing them helps you. Give yourself extra love, pamper yourself and heal. Blessings!

  9. Amanda Wright says:

    I know kinda what you’re talking about. I’ve had a really rough time lately myself and having the support of my family (especially my dad) has helped a lot. I’ve been married for 15 years and have 3 children that I love with all my heart, but I get so down sometimes I feel like I just want to run away and never come back but I find the strength to carry on. Besides those feelings I’ve been in a deep depression also. I lost my job due to medical issues and I feel like a failure because of it. But now I have even more medical problems that have made my depression worse. All my symptoms point to cancer but there are more tests to be done next week before I’ll know for sure and I’m only 34 years old, but as they say cancer knows no age. I’m not really afraid of dying, it’s just the thought of leaving my family that bothers me the most. My faith has been weak but I’m slowly regaining it because I know that’s what I need, well that and to cry every now and then. Thanks Sam so very much, this blog has been very helpful. Take care!!! 🙂

  10. ickyemy says:

    Sorry your feelings made you ugly cry on the freeway. I am not very good at feelings. I like to work multiple jobs and go to school and volunteer on weekends so that I don’t have them.

  11. Jake says:

    Today seems to be the day for unpleasant feelings, but reading this made me feel a little better, and made me determined to not to let it get me down. It’s true what they say; sometimes it does help just knowing you’re not the only going through a tough time. So thank you so much for sharing this, and I hope it *does* get better for you soon.

  12. Julie says:

    Hi Sam,
    So sad to hear you are going through a tough time at the moment and strange I should read this today. Let me explain-
    A few years ago I lost my Mum, she was not only my Mother but my best friend, the last few years were especially tough and I nursed her 24/7. At the end we were in a fabulous hospice. Every year they hold a special outdoor service at Christmas, ` Light Up A Life`, during this all the trees in the hospice garden are illuminated in remembrance of patients. I watched this from window when we were living there and now I go to the service myself every year. This service was yesterday, it is very moving and I feel closer to my Mum every time. Despite being a keen singer I have never been able to join in with the singing of the carols (you can`t cry and sing) until this year. Yesterday I sang. Really sang. Sorry to ramble but I guess what I am trying to say is that although it might be a terrible cliché, time does heal.
    You are right the only way is through, no one can get through life without hurt but I really do believe any pain we go through makes us stronger, I certainly discovered I was a far stronger woman then I imagined. I know at the moment it is of little consolation but know there are many people out there who are pulling for you and sending you their love and positive thoughts.
    You know, as do we all you`ll get through this, with love Julie x

  13. Carolyn White says:

    It’s my birthday, and I have more behind me than I might have left ahead of me, so I feel like I can start the day off by saying that you can’t hold pain in. It builds, we bury it, it crops up at the darnedest times and spoils situations and thoughts. Sometimes it can destroy who you are.
    My dad killed himself, long story, he had no idea how to share his misery, he was good at hiding it & we didn’t see it coming. I loved him, but I hated him after that. His action had the power to hurt me over and over for years as I graduated college without him seeing that, as my son grew and he didn’t see that, as I became a strong person after a divorce and he wasn’t there to witness that. I even bought my first new car and he wasn’t there to test drive it and playfully mock my choice becuz it wasn’t a Chevy.
    Then one day, without pre-planning it, I sat on my bed one night and yelled and cursed him. I told him how much he’d let us down, hurt us, how much of our lives he’d missed by depriving us of his presence & not letting us know he was hurting so we could seek help. I don’t know what the neighbors thought, no cops showed up at my apt door, but I let go of all my emotions at what he’d done and now I can honestly see what led up to his uneducated decision & still love him.
    I hold onto hurts rather than show people what they did & how their comment or action hurt. I can eventually resolve it in my head, but it would be healthier to show it to those who did the hurting, whether intentional or on purpose. It cuts deep and I still feel those at time.
    However, I have learned to say to them, “If your intent was to hurt me, you were successful,” and walk away without saying anything else. That has left a few very embarrassed, stunned people who don’t make eye contact and look ashamed at the next encounter. It has also brought very apologetic people to my side who have become friends. My emotions are tender, I share too much, I trust too much. So it’s easy to hurt me. But I wouldn’t want to be any other way.

  14. Cherylyn says:

    “…the key is to embrace the bad moments as well as the good. They are just as important.”

    Every moment is a learning moment; and really that is one of the hardest lessons out there. Most of us want there to be good-good-good stuff happening all the time. But really, unless you have bad crap turn up too, how do you know how precious the positive side is?

  15. ickyemy says:

    12/14/12 Newtown, Connecticut. I felt that one. I was in my classroom when we found out what happened. I work with two dozen toddlers in a lab school on a college campus. Several years ago there was a shooting at the church we share a parking lot with. We have a secure facility, armed safety officers on campus and monthly lock down drills, but if a similar scenario hit us, the first few minutes would be like shooting fish in a barrel. I wept as I watched the news last night, and again this morning. The heartbreak of the families is unthinkable. I cannot help but share their grief.

    • samferris says:

      Yes, doll. I think that is all we can do is share this grief. But I also believe that you have to say ‘stop’ at some point. It was like 9-11. There was a point when being stuck to the tv was only doing more harm. My boy friend and I said, ‘enough’. There was no new news, we were just rolling around in the grief. I don’t thing that does anything positive or beneficial for the human make-up. I understand about feeling it but we are not made of steel. Damage can be done to the soul. See, experience, grieve, and move on. We can’t do anything about it. We can learn from it, do all we can to prevent it in the future, and love our present and the people in it. That’s all.

      • jmount43 says:

        I like what you said about rolling around in the grief. I watched so much coverage that I began to feel responsible for what happened even though I was all the way in South Carolina at the time (I live in California now). Even over 10 years later I feel guilty for being alive while so many others passed. I believe they call it survivors guilt. I’m just getting over 9/11. I feel horrible for the people in Newtown, but I sincerely hope I don’t feel that way again. I hope that doesn’t make me a bad person.

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