Wanna figure some sh*t out? Me, too!

Hey gang,

I have never been shy about my interest in “finding my way”. I am always babbling on about the metaphysical world and that we have a say in our happiness and peace; I do believe that we are in charge of our own state of being and contentedness. I’d love to blame my unrest and insecurities on my past and parents (God knows they did a rather lousy job), but the truth is, once you become an adult (18?), you really are in charge of your own destiny; Mental, physical, financial, and emotional.

I have, and will always be, in search of a deeper meaning in life. Why do we do the things we do? What crap have we got going on that stops us from finding inner happiness and peace?..and it ain’t that Coach bag, which I thought would work. Trust me, I tried. I adore mine, but it hasn’t done the trick in helping me be ok with who I am.

Some people are naturally at peace. I wish I was one of them…oh GAWD I wish I was one of them, but I’m not. I have a friend who is perfectly content with her life, her work, and who she is. She doesn’t question negative feelings because she doesn’t have them (?). She doesn’t feel any shame or guilt, nor does she have any regrets, insecurities, or self esteem issues. The woman sleeps well every night of her life completely fine with who she is, and never questions any decision she’s made, nor regrets any action she has taken. REALLY?! Sometimes I’d like to tell her to eff off out of sheer envy, but that is just her path. She’s here to live a chilled life with no burning questions or hang-ups. Ugh. Bitch.

The reason I say all this, is because I’m going to share with you a few journeys. I’m always on them (remember the Ayahuasca retreat? No? read back), because I have a yearning to understand myself. My soul. What makes me tick. Like 94% of the human population, I have uncomfortable parts of who I am…my history…why I’ve done the things I have. There are some parts of my story that give me great guilt and regret. I have not always been the person my cats thought I was. I’d certainly like to know why, but more importantly, I’d like to change some of the cruddier habits and beliefs, and head towards that peace and happiness that my friend seems to enjoy daily.

The task at hand: Tapping. Ever heard of it? I believe years ago it came out as something called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). The concept is the same: There are certain points (meridians) of the body that, when tapped upon, can release stress, negative feelings, and limiting beliefs. Sounds great, doesn’t it? I have heard of great success and freedom with said tapping. I’m rather excited.

So, I have signed up for a 7-week on-line course through a guy named Nick Ortner. Something about tapping your way to financial success. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about the financial aspect, but I am more interested in the nitty-gritty. Tapping really focuses in on all the ‘stuff’ that holds you back. I’d like to go to the really deep stuff that can answer a few questions for me that my regular ole memory and consciousness can’t seem to access.

I’m a week behind (horrible student), but it is a self paced thing, and I plan to catch up this week. I will update. I’ll try not to be as long-winded and drawn out as this diatribe. Promise.

Until then, lovelies.

Be well.


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I quit a job last week…. And I’m thrilled!

My mother always told me to do the right thing. Don’t make knee-jerk decisions and always have a back up plan (aka don’t ever leave a job before having another one) . She meant well, but my mother gave me the ‘scarcity’ vibe; ‘there’s not enough’ ‘you’ll go broke’ ‘keep a job no matter what’ ‘you may hate it but it’s better than not having one’.

Thanks mum, but that is a load of shit.

I quit a job last week. Completely out of the blue. It was one if those lucid moments where I found myself in a toxic situation and thought, ‘Sam… This is bullsh*t. You don’t need this. No one does. Life is short. Don’t waste another second on this garbage’. So I didn’t. And I’m thrilled.

You go through all the same feelings quitting a job as you do when breaking up: elation, guilt, anger, relief, sorrow, etc…. And one of those feelings should be empowerment.

We work 35% of our lives. Unless you are living in horrible circumstances, you have a choice over what you do for work. Don’t do something you hate. No one can force you into a job you hate. I get it, there is fear around the unknown…what if it doesn’t work? How will I pay my rent/mortgage? How will I survive? But how about looking at it another way…

I believe you can be, have, and do whatever you choose in this life. Call it what you want…. Science of mind, manifest destiny, etc…. Jim carrey is onto it. He talks about it. Your thoughts and emotions have power. Vibration. Whatever you have going on in yer thoughts, will be attracted to you. Now, you don’t have to believe in the same things I do, but consider a few things….

Hate your job? Want a new career? Just start seeing it. Imagine it. Feel it. Visualize it. If you don’t want to quit, don’t, but start getting yer mind in the right mood. Very important: Say, ‘I am….’. Fill in the blank..Whatever it is you want. Jim Carrey wrote himself a 7 figure check long before he was famous. He continued to look at that check, imagining and feeling what it would feel like. It came true in spades. He never doubted it.

Stop thinking about the shitty job and start thinking about what you really want…imagine it… Play with it. Keep yer mind on what you DO want and off of what you DON’T want. Even if it feels fake. Use your imagination. And be persistent.

Am I worried about work? Nope. As long as I keep my mind focused on the positive outcome, I know it’s coming along any minute now. Takes a lot of practice, and a bit of the ‘trust in the universe’ thing, but your life will shift if the direction of your prominent thoughts. Again, you don’t have to accept it the same way I do, but just play with the idea that you are powerful and that you can change your life as long as you focus on the positive outcome.

And btw… I’m not the innovator of this concept. A greatly intelligent man once explained that to change your reality you just change the vibration (frequency) of your thoughts. Match the frequency of your thoughts with what you want and “you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy, this is physics”. It was Albert Einstein. He knew his stuff.

And for god’s sake, believe in yourself. Know that you are worthy, deserving, and loveable. We all are, it’s just that some of the negative programming we got a loooong time ago (that we are flawed and unworthy), got into our little brains, and we’ve hung onto that message ever since. Getting rid of THAT is a bitch, and yer always working on it. But it is manageable.

Life is short. We are here to live and experience a wonderful 80 or so years. It’s up to you how you spend those years. Don’t listen to others, do what drives you, gives you passion, feels ‘right’. You can change direction at any moment. Life is great that way. Overnight, I decided at 28 I wanted to become a professional actor. And I did. Don’t like what’s going on? Change it but remember, YOU have be the change, and it comes from your thoughts, beliefs and expectations. It takes a bit if work but soooo worth it.

Ok. That’s my ‘Oprah Moment’ for the day.

I’m off to manifest some good stuff!

Be well.


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Thanks for the message Robin Williams…and goodnight.

I just found out that Robin Williams is dead. At the age of 63. Unconfirmed reports are suicide. Sad. However his life ended, the message that it sends is still the same.

Here was a man who SEEMINGLY had it all: money, fame, family, success, and health, and yet he checked out. Why? We will never really know why and I don’t think that is anyone’s business, but I believe that there are lessons to be learned from all shocking events, and there are 2 big ones here.

We can have all the apparent comforts of life, but if we are not ok with who we are….even a little bit….we will never find peace with ourselves. Mr Williams is not the first to teach us this lesson. Kurt Cobain. Phillip Hoffman. They taught us this, too. Guys who seemed to have it all. But did they? They may have had the material things, but happiness is an inside job. Somebody once equated it to showering with your clothes on; you can keep rocking the soap but you will never get clean; You can keep doing well on the outside, but unless you get some tranquility on the inside, all that stuff is just ‘stuff’.

Lesson #1. True and lasting happiness has to come from within. I know it sounds airy-fairy (and I believe in airy fairy), but you have to be ok with WHO YOU ARE at some level to find true peace in your life. It doesn’t have to be ALL parts of yourself….heck, I go in for a bit of self-loathing about some aspects of myself…but we are not going to find peace in external things. Now, we don’t have to be Mother Theresa, but how about affirming that we are good people, worthy, loveable, deserving, etc… I work on this every day. I don’t know what was going on inside Robin Williams, but clearly his pain came from something going on internally. I suspect that all the money and success couldn’t help him out of what was going on inside.

Lesson #2. The old saying, “don’t judge someone else until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes”. Translation: we have no idea what is going on in the people around us so try not to judge them. Sure, Robin had all the things that we equate with a complete life, but we have no idea what he was struggling with. Ok, I know, the Robin Williams comparison is a bit silly, but there is a lesson here that maybe we can transfer to our own lives. For example. There is a guy that I have to deal with on a regular basis who I can barely be civil to. He is nasty and combative and I want to kick him in the nuggets whenever I see him. But when I step outside my self-absorbed me, I realize that I really have no idea what he’s dealing with on an on-going basis. Maybe he’s got a cruddy home life, a disability, a huge stressful event. So instead of being quick to judge, I am trying to find some love for the person he is, instead of judging the person i see. People are complex little beings. We are not perfect, but we all need a bit of love. Be the person to give them that.

A part of my childhood got rocked today. “Mork and Mindy” was a big part of my growing up. It’s a bummer to see someone who brought me so much joy take himself out of the game of life because he just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. But that is/was his journey. It’s not my place to judge. He was dealing with something bigger than he could handle.

Goodbye, funny man. You were a great gift while you were here. I hope you find peace wherever you are at now.

Be well.


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Age is just rings on a tree, baby…..

Scene 1. Luxuriating in my ridiculously small bathtub the other day, I found a rather long black hair behind my knee. I don’t mean to be gross. IT wasn’t gross like a whisker out of a witches nose or anything, but it made me ponder. It wasn’t there in my 20s or my 30s. Why now?

Scene 2. An old friend was in town last week and a bunch of us gals got together and went out on the town. And we WENT OUT. Dinner, drinks, barhopping, shooters (ever had a Dr Pepper? You drop a shot of Amaretto in a glass of beer & coke…fun but it will bite you later), and flirting with boys half our age. We ended up in a nightclub we used to go to in our early years, surrounded by 20-somethings and having a ball. On my home at 3am, the cab driver said to me, “aren’t you a little old for The Roxy?”.

I woke up the next morning to a doozy of a headache and thought about what the cabbie had said. Was I too old to be doing “young girl” things? Were we pathetic and awkwardly out of place? What are the things I should be doing in my 40s? Too young for jigsaw puzzles (which I adore) and knitting (haven’t tried yet), but too old for whooping it up once in a while?

Hell no, Mister cabbie.

You have to be careful with the “shoulds” in life. They are killers if you take them too seriously. What a “should” does is tell you what you are supposed to be doing/thinking/saying based on someone else’s opinion. I’m sure the cabbie is a nice guy, but what he was saying was that a woman of my age SHOULD be living the stereotypical life of a 40-year-old woman, and shaking a leg down Granville Street at 3am wasn’t it. So, what does the life of a 40-year-old gal look like? Who made the rules? Where is it written in stone that a not-20-anymore woman can’t drink shooters and sing The Rolling Stones at the top of her lungs? It’s not written anywhere because all age is is an stamp that says “you have been alive for……days” (for me that is over 15,000….if we’re counting). Society puts the “should”s out there…”have a family, wear a suit, don’t swear”. Advertising and the media put them out there, too….”no bikinis after 35, wear khakis, no blue eyeshadow”.

Here’s what I say: fuck em. I was 28 when I embarked on an acting career (my 3rd career change). I was bartending in a cigar lounge at 30. I was dating a man 13 years younger than me at 42. I drink beer out of a bottle, swear like a trucker, and crank Green Day in my car whenever I get the chance. So What?? What you do with your years is your business. Sure, my body is aging and I don’t want the do all the things I used to do, but no one can tell me what my life should look like based on the amount of birthdays I’ve had.

Try to live your life without all the “should”s and “supposed to”s. I know, you can’t get around all of them, and sometimes we conform, just don’t let anyone dictate where you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to be doing based on time spent on the planet.

So, cutting back to scene 1. Remember, the black hair? It’s a sign of age. My pal Robyn started getting them in her 30s. I’m ok with that. I can’t avoid them. Along with the stray grey hairs, the “smile lines” around my eyes, and the joy of getting into bed before 8pm sometimes (!). But all age is, is rings on a tree, baby…..

Be well,


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Family can be a real b*tch

Hey gang,

It is Sunday, June 15th tomorrow. A date that has changed dramatically for me over the years. Now it is just another day, and I’m very happy about that.

I’ve written about Father’s Day in the past but I want to touch on it again because family ‘stuff’ never goes away, and the bs that comes with these relationships hits home for most of us. The more we talk about it, laugh/cry about it, the healthier we’ll be. In my opinion, anyway.

Mothers Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, and Christmas are charged events because they a) have expectations, and b) usually involve family. These can be wonderful events but they can also be hard and stressful. Mine was the latter because unfortunately, Roy Ferris was a really horrible man. No dancing around it, no self pity, and no point in the ugly details, but trust me when I say, he was a detrimental and dangerous presence in out lives.

When he died my brother and I were actually relieved which made the decade after his death very challenging of me. When Father’s Day came along each year I would try to feel something emotional for him. Something simulating love or loss. I couldn’t do it.

Then I started to feel guilt. What was wrong with me that I didn’t miss my dad? Feel bad that he’d died? Was I a terrible person, missing some emotional make-up that most people have?

Then I spent a couple years being angry. Angry that he was making me feel guilty from the grave. Lol. Which is ridiculous; no one can make you feel ANYTHING without your permission…. Especially from the grave. You are in charge of how you feel. I know that is annoying to hear because it’s SO MUCH EASIER to blame someone else. Sorry. You are in charge of your thoughts and feelings. But that’s a topic for another time.

Then I got angry at him for not being a good dad. For not being there. For bullying, endangering, and manipulating his family. That lasted quite a few years, and boy was I pissed.

It has now been over 15 years since his death and I am at peace with my father. I did a lot of work on it and learned some very important things, so let me share them with you so you don’t have to put decades into figuring it out.
* your parents are really only ever doing the best they can WITH THE TOOLS THEY WERE GIVEN. My dad was a monster, but his mother (grandma Dolly) was even worse! He never got love, warmth or decency so he couldn’t give what he didn’t get. Poor bastard. He couldn’t do better because he didn’t know better.
* family is relation by blood and doesn’t automatically come with a stamp of approval to treat each other like garbage. Society puts pressure on us to accept horrible treatment, treatment we wouldn’t accept from our worst enemies, from our family. In the medieval times relatives had to stick together because survival was sketchy and people died early. They needed to stay close to STAY ALIVE. Thank gawd, we no longer need to do that, and we are able to decide who gets the honour of our time and attention. And it is an honour.
* every family has baggage of their own. I looked up to the people next door for years. I envied them. They appeared so functional and stress-free. Ha! I learned later that the dad had a drinking problem and was cheating, the mom locked the girls in a closet from time to time, and the oldest daughter developed an eating disorder because she didn’t think she was ‘good enough’. Got issues in your family? You are not alone. We all do. You just don’t see it. Family dynamics are complicated, and dramatic, and mostly happen behind closed doors. We are not perfect. Not one of us.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-dad…lol….If you’ve got a great dad and/or a great relationship with him then I am thrilled for you. Maybe even envious. But if Father’s Day is weird for you, don’t sweat it. You are not alone. Hallmark cards puts pressure on it to be this great movie-perfect day. F**k off, Hallmark. It is just another
Day. You can make it whatever you want.

Be well,


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You are welcome to hate…but have all the facts.

This one is for the haters….(if you are a lover, you can read it, too, but this note is for the folks who are misinformed and very angry at me about the Lindsay Lohan thing).

Well, first, I have to say thank you for the attention! I am flattered. To give my words the credit you have is complimentary. Although I would caution you against taking things that others say so seriously. LIfe will drive you crazy if you do that.

It is ridiculous that this conversation is still going on, but I don’t like to be misunderstood. I have been told that there seems to be a misunderstanding about comments I made on twitter.

So, let me clear things up for you. If you want to hate, then knock yerself out, I have no problem with that, but make sure you have the facts straight first.

1) Lindsay Lohan did not have a miscarriage. That was the whole point of my initial comment. She didn’t need weeks off to recover because she DIDN’T HAVE ONE. She lied about it to get sympathy, and used it as an excuse for her poor behaviour. This is remarkably insulting to women. We are trying to make inroads to equality, and actions like that just bring us all back. She took no responsibility for her behaviour (showing up late to work, not showing up at all, partying all night) and instead used a sensitive issue that she knew would cut her some slack. It sends the wrong message. That a miscarriage is always a horrible and tragic thing and lying about having one can get you out of a jam. Boo. It is not horrible and tragic for everyone and should not carry a stigma of shame.

2) Linsday Lohan got the list of her Hollywood “conquests” leaked to the media. Remember, that I work in this industry. I have first hand knowledge of what goes on behind the scenes. She did it for publicity. And she lied about it. Many of the guys deny any trysts with Lohan. Again, very poor behaviour, and in my world, if you choose to gloat/lie about the guys you’ve slept with in order to get public attention, you deserve any backlash you’ve got coming to you. Sleep around? Sure! Hell, I’ve done it, it was fun! And it’s nobody’s business….UNLESS you make the effort to publish it to the general public in the quest for attention, then you gotta be prepared for criticism (talk the talk/walk the walk..). She has thousands of young girls who look up to her as a role model and is accountable for that. That kind of BS is irresponsible to her young, impressionable fans.

So there you have it.

You are completely entitled now to hate away. Hate is hard on your system (physically and emotionally) and you are the one who really pays for it, but many of you seem to be feeding off this frenzy of misguided anger that I guess you are getting something out of it. You’ll have to do it without me. This is my last comment on this silliness. Flogging a dead horse here.

I live by a code of responsibility and accountability. I have strong opinions and will always call out BS. I encourage women to be strong, love themselves, and to stand up for things they believe in. That is what we are here for. But please make sure you have all the facts straight before making accusations. Otherwise, you might look a little silly….and someone just might call you out on that…..😉
Be well.

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Christmas blog

Hey gang,

Sorry, been a while.

Here is my annual Christmas blog.

I have a love/hate thing going on with this time of year. I adore the level of humanity that comes out this time of year…..people really do step up for those who have so little.  I donate to a Christmas Hamper….to make sure that those families who need a little help get that help so their kids get gifts to open on Christmas day. That side of Christmas moves me and gives me hope in the human race.

But this is also a remarkably tough time of year for many.

There is so much pressure on this time of year in many ways. Pressure to love the time we spend with family, pressure to LOVE this time of year, pressure to have the best time ever…..pressure to make it super fantastic wonderful, and if it doesn’t measure up to some tv commercial Christmas ad, we feel like we’ve failed or are bad people.

If that is you, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone.

We see the Christmas experience in movies and on tv, and then when we don’t have that, we feel let down. We put so much pressure on the 25th of December to be the greatest thing ever, that we kind of screw ourselves. We expect that all the issues in our lives and family will just disappear magically. Cause that’s how the movies do it, right? Trust me, I’ve done those Christmas movies….they are fun….but not real. They are there to tug at your heartstrings….but not real.

Here is the key: try to remember that December 25th is just another day. Really. The sun will come up and go down. And if yer family drive you nuts, you are allowed to recognize that, regardless of the date.  Don’t put the pressure on yourself and those around you to magically make everything perfect because the media have told you that you are SUPPOSED to have the best day ever.

You know what I’m doing on Christmas day? Going for brunch with my best buddy Pam, then back to her place to drink champagne, do a jigsaw puzzle, and watch the last season of Mad Men that we missed. And i’m thrilled. My family don’t do Christmas so well, so my brother works (he prefers that), and my mother will go to family friends. All is well. The world won’t fall apart.

Here is the point: whatever you are doing, just enjoy it. Staying home and watching movies? Cool. Ordering chinese food and working on your guitar lessons? Totally cool.  If this time of year is tough for you (and it is for many), then just enjoy the day. Don’t try to make too much of it. Years ago my brother and I would go for breaky with a couple friends and then walk downtown and see a movie. And there were 100s of people there doing the same thing! Nowadays, there are so many bars and restaurants open that you can go for a bite to eat and drink after.

I look at this time of year as a bonus for those needing help. People, animals, etc… This is a time when people get generous and donate to those in a less fortunate situation than themselves.

And if yer totally bummed, you can tweet or message me. I’m just hanging out…it’s just another day.

If you have a great family experience, great! I wish all the best to you and your family…you are lucky. But if you are not one of those people, know that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with the 25th being another day in our lives. Or if yer family drive you nuts and yer stuck with uncle Buck and yer siblings who drive you around the bend, that is ok, too. Again…totally, not alone. We’ll all get through it.

Here’s hoping us all a wonderful 2014…filled with health and happiness.

Much love,




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